Last Friday I conducted a Professional Email Writing Seminar (I know it sounds boring, you’ll have to believe me, we had a lot of fun), which included a case study on how to respond when you are the client and your supplier screws up – royally. I thought I had it licked when I led them through my model response showing them how to cover everything in the original email – focus on solving the problem asap, identify responsibility and possible penalties – in a calm, professional manner. Suddenly, one person asked ”So do I still write my email reply so nicely if I’ve already yelled at the guy on the phone?”
People who know me will know that I am a recovering Passive Aggressive. I resisted for many years to assert myself in the workplace, which did nothing for my career. Which is why this article in the Huffington Post ”Nice Women Finish Last At Work, Study Says“ by Laura Stampler is so interesting.
The study showed that people who are ‘disagreeable’ earn more and are more likely to be promoted at work. Women earn less regardless, but there is still a nice premium to being disagreeable. The twist is that men are respected for their disagreeability, whereas “… the perception is that if a woman is agreeable, she gets taken advantage of, and if she is disagreeable, she’s considered a control freak or ‘the B-word.’”
Which got me thinking – my passion and career is supporting people to perform their best at work – so was I wrong to teach people to be ‘nice’ to others? Was what I learned at the Emily Post Institute based on a naive belief in a utopian workplace where people respected one another and had great careers being ‘nice’?
That’s when I realized – it’s not a choice between being ‘nice/doormat’ and being ‘aggressive/assertive’. There is no conflict between respect for others and respect for yourself. The Chinese saying “對事不對人“ describes it best, meaning you focus on the issue and not the person (personal attack). Most of us humans have an ego, large or small, and the ego craves respect. When you feel someone is attacking you, your ego hijacks your brain and goes into full-throttle self-defense. The problem with this at work, is that a brain in flight or fight mode is not operating at optimal level to resolve the issue at hand, regardless of who is in the position of power in the relationship.
So go ahead and choose respect, just remember that this respect includes respect not only for the other party, but respect for yourself – your own interests, your vision, your values. Do unto others AND yourself, what you would have others do unto you.
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